The experience of pain is one most of us wish we didn’t have to go through. It seems many of us spend an amazing amount of energy trying not to feel pain. To an extent we will go to great lengths to cover it up with alcohol, prescription drugs, television, addictions and patterns that have become accepted by how our society is raising us. What happens when we allow in the most pain-full moments and let them take over our body until they have finished their cycle and pass their way through us? The only way to release is to go in.
A while back I experienced pain with such an intense discomfort that initiated tears, coupled with what felt like a heart explosion that was going to burst out of my head. I found myself wishing this sensation would go away because it seemed unbearable. And then I just let it in. I became the silent observer to all of the visceral sensations that had taken over my body. Going back to memories of the rawest kind that bruised my hearts depth, and in that past space, I recognized how intelligent my body and sub-conscious was in protecting myself, and covering up the pain.
I am one who feels an intense amount of Love, most deeply for all humans. I see the essential self in people, and sometimes it confuses me how people are unable to see their purest form. I get confused when I see people making themselves smaller than what they are. I hear stories and experiences from many people, especially as a Yoga Therapist, it astounds me what we can endure, and yet, nothing can come close to harming our purest form of Being. We are evolving into a new species of humans wherein we are all experiencing a profound shift of releasing what no longer is serving our collective evolution. For some it comes out in anger, lashing out against others because they may not be aware that what they are experiencing is a letting go, and through that, projections are heightened. Some feel extreme heartache, some elation. For some it is extremely difficult to decipher what feelings and sensations are coming from something happening in the present time and what is rising to the surface from past experiences that may have never had the chance of living out their full cycle.
What I experienced was a deep heartache that allowed me to see all the times I loved without condition. I recognized a place where I loved purely and didn’t question or have any walls up. My mind didn’t wander into story. It didn’t doubt or question, because I simply was pure Love. Nothing took it away because it is what I am, it is what we are. Over time, from experiences, I learned to have a guard up. I learned to question and be very careful of how I would strategically love sub consciously so as not feel pain. I began a journey of being alone most of the time because it was so safe and I just got to feel the totality of being In Pure love. It served me well because I had the experience of simply Loving everything around me, without anyone coming in too close.
In July of 2015, I had the opportunity to work with Plant Medicine for the first time; The Mother Vine, Ayahuasca. It is nearly impossible to explain the depths of the experience, but what I can say is that I went back to experiences I’ve had in my life and released what had been stuck. I was able to go back to wounds that I and many I have loved went through in order to release it back to its natural form. I experienced being free of all attachment, and in order to do so, I had to go into the darkest places where the attachments were rooted. Once I went back, they released from my body, leaving me with a profound sense of Love and lightness. Since then, I’ve remained in that place. Being in this space doesn’t mean I don’t experience the nature of what we as humans attach to as we create our identities. What we identify with becomes our accepted way of being, and in turn, we have forgotten our true nature. We walk around with our scars exposed, swords ready, shields up, and tend to look through the lenses of our past experiences that color the present moment. How often do you live in the now? Are you able to sit in the present moment and recognize and be in its purest form? When you have a confrontation with someone, are you responding from exactly the truth of the situation at hand? Or are you possibly reacting from a place that created an emotional response from something that happened in the past? If it’s the ladder, more than likely you’ve so wisely learned to protect yourself by taking the route of almost being on auto pilot. Much of the time it can feel natural to stay in a pattern that you know well, even if it is no longer serving you.
What I experienced was the hyperawareness that I was responding from a place that no longer served me and was working its way out of me. I learned to put a guard up. I learned to be strong and to take care of myself. I learned not to be disappointed by others because otherwise my expectations of people seemed too high. What I hadn’t realized fully is that what seemed to be expectations was simply me seeing everyone in their purest form and not understanding why they were unable to see it. In turn, I was not able to see it in myself. How am I to go back to the space of truly loving without condition, to allow for others to be exactly who they are without needing them to be any different? We are all on such different journeys, coming back home to the same place. It makes no sense for us to try to get anyone to be another way, because we all have our unique journey and karmas to work through. We all have something we need to learn for ourselves in such an intelligent way, that having been conditioned to get others to do what we need in order for us to feel more comfort is in its entirety, absurd. Yet we do it on a constant. We judge what we don’t know out of fear of not knowing. We assume that how we live is the norm, and therefore get confused that others would make decisions for themselves that look different from ours. Instead of listening to another’s experience, we jump to how we experienced something similar, or somehow don’t agree because it’s not something we experienced. So many of us come from a place where we are lacking something. We may lack our sense of self somewhere along the way. We may have lost the memory of what it was like to be in our purest form. How scary to think we could get back to that place and the amount of work it takes to get back there?
The thing is, it’s possible. Even more so, it is inevitable. How we all get there looks different. Some may get there kicking and screaming, some may walk right into it, some may stumble and fall many times, some may be aggressive in their journey of remembering. Some will simply remember, and let it be. We can choose it to be scary, or choose it to set us free. Removing blockages, beginning with judgment. Stepping aside from what creates suffering, guilt, shame, resentment, confusion. We already know who we are. When we are in a state of complete peace, with only compassion and recognizing one another as a mirror, without projections or unnecessary judgment, we are in our purest state. It takes showing up to do the work to get there. We are here to experience all of what it means to be fully human and not be afraid of it. This may take turning off your TV to create your life as reality. It may take sitting with yourself as your entertainment, attuning yourself to who you are and why you are here. You may not like what you experience; it may be painful and uncomfortable. It may take accepting there is another perspective entirely of how you view your world, the world, and what it means to be alive in general. It may take consuming less, and being in Nature more to fill up. It may take letting go of expectations. It may take surrendering to feeling pain, or loss, or grieving an experience. It may take saying you’re sorry, showing up, or letting go. It may take pressing the pause button. It may take listening. It may take creating a massive shift in your life. It may take forgiving yourself. It may take forgiving another. It may take noticing when you distract yourself from yourself. It may take allowing yourself to just Be without doing. Whatever the case may be it will take effort, recognition, and awareness. We exist, that should be reason enough to explore your existence. All of it.
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